


Golden Gates (to freedom)

by bakers_impala221



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Bittersweet, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Grief, M/M, Mourning, Moving On, Oneshot, Or canon-compliant, POV - Dean, Sad, depending on how you want to look at it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:48:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23679400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakers_impala221/pseuds/bakers_impala221
Summary: ‘You’ll have to let me go there someday, Dean,’ he whispered, the change piercing the static air around them, charging it with near-frantic energy.Instinctively, Dean pulled him in closer. ‘Of course,’he said, wrapping his arm around him tightly, protectively.‘We’ll go together.’Oh, all my nights taste like gold.When I'm with you it's like everything glows
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	Golden Gates (to freedom)

**Author's Note:**

> _You know  
>  I've never been so lonely on my own  
> And it shows, 'cause I don't see you  
> Like I used to  
> Now I'm going back on the things that I know  
>   
> Oh, all my nights taste like gold  
> Yeah, when I'm with you it's like everything glows  
> And all my days we can lay low  
> Yeah, when we're waking up  
> We're waking up slow _
> 
> ~ _Waking Up Slow,_ Gabrielle Aplin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: there is now a Johnlock version of this if you'd prefer to read that.  
> You can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24056929).

Dean watched the hand swirling slowly, silhouetted in the beam of Eastern sunlight streaming from the window, in between the plain, white curtains dripping from the rod. The shadows danced and flickered on his face. His eyes were lazy; tired. He breathed out slowly, swimming in contentment, the corners of his mouth turned up in an easy smile.

Cas mirrored his sigh, erupting a rustle of bedsheets as he turned to drape his arm over Dean’s chest. Dean smiled down at him.

The sunlight had their bodies bathed ethereally in gold. It reminded him gently of infinity; all the stars and planets he’d never see.

 _It’s too much for me_ , he’d once told him. _There’s already enough on this planet to worry about without all that space I’ll never have the chance to visit._

‘ _Is there anywhere you haven’t been?’_ Dean asked, returning to the present, his voice soft and rough with disuse.

Cas titled his face, craning his neck to see him, eyes glittering blue in the light. Dean lifted his hand and settled it against his face, pulled in by the hypnotic force of his magnetic beauty. He could feel the muscles of his cheek shift beneath his palm as Cas grinned at him.

‘ _I don’t know.’_ Cas shifted so he could gaze back out the window at the clear, blue sky. His eyes were glazed over, lost in his own headspace for a moment.

‘ _I’ve always wanted to see the bridge,’_ he said after a moment, nodding in the direction of the mantle.

Dean followed his gaze. _‘The Golden Gate?’_

Still staring at the photo, Dean could feel Cas’ nod against his arm. He smiled; pictured them stood huddled together as they watched the sunset; lifting the camera to capture it and memorise every aspect of their happiness. He felt a quiet sense of euphoria as the sunlight seeping in through the window beamed at him, shimmered softly against his cheek, warming it to chambré.

 _‘Haven’t you been to San Francisco?’_ he asked.

 _‘Yes,’_ he murmured. ‘ _But I only ever saw the bridge from afar.’_

Dean looked back down; let their eyes meet.

‘ _I’ve always wanted to be there, up close. To watch the sunset.’_

The ambiance of the room suddenly shifted; Cas pawed almost desperately at Dean’s chest. ‘ _You’ll have to let me go there someday, Dean,_ ’ he whispered, the change piercing the static air around them, charging it with near-frantic energy.

Instinctively, Dean pulled him in closer. ‘ _Of course,’_ he said, wrapping his arm around him tightly, protectively. _‘We’ll go together_.’

He shut his eyes tightly and clung possessively to the other man. He felt Cas eventually regain composure and nestle peacefully against his chest.

Dean closed his eyes against a rush of wind, the cars whipping by in front of him.

When he reopened them, he looked up slowly; watched the red beams strike blindingly against the sunlight. The cool breeze wafted by, and his hand trembled.

He smiled, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes, blown away by the wind like the meagre drops of spitted rain, never amounting to anything. They faded away into the cement.

His gaze drifted across the horizon line until his neck was craned to its right. His mind conjured an image of Cas, pictured him standing alongside him.

Cas smiled, warm and pleasant, his body ghostly and non-tangible; an aching reminder of the impossible, unreachable dream. Cas reached out his hand, and Dean’s own twitched by his side, itching to take it.

Dean looked back up again. He watched the sunlight dance on the metal, licking down the frame, desperate and clinging before its inevitable end.

Drawing his hand up in front of his chest, Dean flicked open his notepad. With a sweep of his wrist, he etched a long pencil line across the white paper, staring down at the pad before repocketing the grey lead. He sighed, eyes scanning over the page a final time before he flicked his wrist, watching the notepad fall elegantly shut against the hand-written note.

** Bucket list **

~~Visit family~~

~~Date at Central Park~~

~~Sex~~

~~Tell Dean I love him~~

~~Write my own eulogy~~ _Cas, no_

~~DRAMATICALLY READ MY EULOGY~~

~~AT A MOCK FUNERAL~~

~~WITH ALL OF MY FRIENDS~~

~~Quit job at the office~~ _that’s not for the bucket list, man_ **Ugh.**

 ~~Walk smugly out without looking back~~ _ok, that’s more like it_ **:)**

 ~~Force Dean to make me PB &J~~ _no_

~~Marry him~~

~~Sex~~ _You already said that one_

~~SEX~~

~~S E X, DEAN~~ _geez, fine_. _Some sex, then._ **:)**

~~Make Dean breakfast~~

~~And lunch~~

~~And dinner~~

~~And desert~~

~~And give him everything he ever wanted~~ _█ ~~████~~_

Don’t cry

~~See the Golden Gate Bridge~~

~~Remind Dean I love him~~

~~Make him laugh~~

~~Kiss him when he does~~

~~Cherish Dean~~

~~Make sure he rots in hell~~ _what why?_ **So I know that we’ll meet again.** _You’re not going to Hell, man_ **How would you know?** _Because you’re an angel._ **Oh, no. Then that must mean I’m the Devil.** _There’s just no winning with you_ **Well, stop reading my bucket list, then.** _Fine_ **Fine.** _Fine_

Do not cry

~~Smile~~

~~Remind Dean I love him~~

~~Make sure he knows it~~

~~Make sure he’s happy~~

Let him move on

Walking up onto the bridge, Dean bent down, knees cracking, back aching, until his knees hit the cement. With one hand he clutched the urn while the other worked to screw open the lid.

He lowered it into the crook of his elbow, letting his head drop forward, forehead pressed into the metal beams. The wind sighed against his face, a long, continuous exhale. He breathed, ignoring the chattering seagulls and pedestrians around him, ignoring the never-ending rush of cars and zephyr, and focusing on the roaring gush of the gulf below.

The ache in his chest eased minutely and he leaned back, feeling the heaviness of the urn weigh down his arm.

Taking a breath, he extended his arm until his wrist connected with the railing, turning it to angle the jar until ashes streamed from the lip in a scattered, confused waterfall of dust.

They blew around frantically in the wind, dancing uncontrollably, and lost. Particles brushed up onto the cement, flew into his face, got caught in his hair. The rush and mayhem continued. He kept his eyes determinedly open, unblinking, watching Cas’ last remnants fade away until the urn was empty and light.

He pulled back his hand, listened to the clink of the base as he set down the weight by his side. He crouched silently, painfully, feeling airy and untethered as the sun dipped behind the ocean line and buried itself under the sepulchre of sea.

‘Here,’ he said, his eyes scanning the horizon-line. ‘Cas, I got you here. You’re safe.’

Shifting slightly, he pulled out the notepad once again, feeling the rough, worn cover under his fingers. He flipped it open, pulled out his pencil, and slowly crossed out the last line.

‘I love you,’ he whispered to the wind, feeling the sharpness of the cold; its stinging acute as it met with his tears.

‘I love you.’

He pocketed the notepad, grabbed the urn and stood up, feeling his legs sigh under the relief. With his free hand, he reached up to his hair, brushing away a few stray ashes, his eyes trained on the sea. He lingered for a moment, feeling the wind brushing against him, waving his jacket collar frantically against his neck like a flag in the wind. He breathed in and smiled to the ocean.

‘Bye, Cas’ he whispered, and he knew he meant it.

He clutched the urn to his chest before turning to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: the story is complete, I've just marked it as incomplete to add photos of how I imagined the bucket list. That'll be added soon-ish.
> 
> Helpful tip: I also adore comments. It's my favourite part of posting fanfiction. Please do not hold back on the comments. (Constructive) critism or compliments-- either way. I love it.


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